Today as I was putting Lia to sleep, I was thinking, ‘Am I where I should be right now?’ Honestly, I felt unproductive having to spend so much time and effort dancing my baby to sleep. I love what I was doing but I thought maybe I should instead be doing some online work at that very moment or even be dressed in a corporate attire doing office work.

And then my mother’s words came to me like an answer to all the questions that’s been bothering me. She said, ‘There’s a big difference with you running the house instead of housemaids doing it.’

Since I was a child, I’ve convinced myself not to be a full-time housewife. Not because I thought of it as a menial job, but because I was afraid that I couldn’t match, more so surpass, the sacrifice that my mother did to bring up her 4 children.

Yet now I see myself doing exactly what she was doing decades ago. And it scares me.

It scares me because what if with all the effort that I am exerting just to meet my children’s different needs, I would still end up a failure in bringing out the best in them.

And even if they all grew up the persons they are destined to be, I’m scared to find myself searching for an identity because my children are all grown up and doesn’t need me the way they do now.

Above all, it scares me because for the first time I am not in control of my future.

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote a blog, an unpaid blog that is, and I guess I should start creating one now before its too late. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say. Actually, its either because I’m too busy with work and daily errands or ideas are all mixed up that I cannot come-up with a good topic. But then I realized, why need to wait for a good topic if this is not a report anyway. I’ve been wanting my blog site to be active but as I’ve said, I’ve been so conscious about what to write. So to rev things up, I have to come-up with daily blogs. (Pressure!)

To start, I just want to share some of my thoughts every morning as I bring my kids to school. Actually, it’s not much of a thought but just an observation because my brain is still half awake having to rise 6 in the morning. Inside the elevator or outside the parking lot I would see employees, most of them in a hurry, on their corporate attire with laptop bags hanging on their shoulders. Women are wearing their make-up trying to conceal the tired look on their faces. I used to be like that and used to think that life should be like that.

On the other hand, there I was still with bed lines on my face, wearing shirt and shorts, carrying (or pulling) school bag in one hand and holding my son’s hand on the other, also in a hurry to make sure kids won’t be late. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. Sometimes it’s a humbling experience. Sometimes it makes me proud. Nobody knows I gave up my career to spend more time with my children. It is a privilege, not a sacrifice.

I have to admit I miss wearing slacks, blazer and boots. I miss putting on a light make-up and perfume to make sure that I’m at my best having to deal with different people everyday. I miss having friends at the office and looking forward to coffee breaks. I miss going home knowing that I was able to accomplish a lot of work in a day. But surprisingly, I don’t want to go back to the corporate world. It’s definitely a different world now.

My fifth month of pregnancy is almost over and I think I am being hit by prenatal depression. Most of it actually involves patience. Like for instance the gender of the baby. I can’t wait for a couple of weeks to know if our baby’s a boy or a girl. This hinders me from experiencing the excitement of finalizing a name and from buying baby things. Well, actually I do have a female name in mind and I plan to tell Gary about it as soon as we learn that we really are having a baby girl.

Next is my growing fear of not being able to go back to work without me being able to do anything about it. It’s because I don’t think it is advisable for me to go through the hiring process with my stomach bulging. That means I have to wait a couple of months before I can seriously start looking for a job. Yes I love staying at home, attending to my family’s needs and believe it or not earning big (though big is a relative word), but then I realized I am more productive when accompanied with all of those, I am still pursuing a career. Besides, my social life is dying, though I am not really sure if it’s because of literally staying at home and not going out of our condo or because of zero SMB lights nights due to my pregnancy.

Another frustration is not being able to do my beauty regimen. That includes hair relax, body spa and massage, facial and a whole lot more that I am not willing to divulge. (haha!) Imagine I can’t even wear my favorite perfume because I hate the smell of it now. Not even my favorite St. Ives facial wash. I am just so thankful that my nose hasn’t ballooned yet, no pimples showing and my neck hasn’t changed its color. But then again, I don’t feel confident about myself.

This baby is really teaching me the value of patience and has been keeping me on my toes for what could happen in the near future. As of now, all I could really do is WAIT WAIT and WAIT and have the most of what I am enjoying right now… which surprisingly is a bit depressing.

Almost two months of being a full-time housewife and mother gave me realizations that I guess mothers cannot fully understand not until they’ve experienced BEING at home.

• There is no such thing as ENOUGH time spent with children… the more you spend time with them, the more you realize they need more of your presence and attention.
• To know them is TO BE with them.
• Asking someone to look after your children is delegating a very big responsibility.
• You will never run out of errands at home, from bills to grocery to repairs to processing papers… the list goes on…
• Not because you’re the parent and you provide everything your children needs mean that you should push your children to follow all the rules you set at home. Be flexible enough to adjust the rules based on your child’s personality and environment he’s exposed to, without of course sacrificing the values you want to impart. Sometimes all they need is understanding and everything will be ok.
• Patience is really a virtue.
• Looking after and taking care of your children brings out the best in them, not the material things that we thought would matter.

I know I’ll be learning a lot more the coming months ahead. Yes it’s not easy to give out all your effort and time serving your children and husband but I am happy that I’m doing it and I believe soon I will see the positive effects of me being at home.

Lately I am having a change of heart. I used to think that I cannot be a full time housewife because lack of brain activity will kill me. But now, I am on the verge of resigning because of these two adorable kids waiting for me everyday as I come home from work. Maybe I just needed a break. Maybe I would just want to experience having nothing to think about but my husband and kids for a couple of months. Maybe God is telling me that my kids need my time more than the money I take home each month. I don’t know. All I know is that I would want to spend more time with my kids each day. And guess what, my husband feels the same way too… ahahah…